distillation of RotK snark from across the LJ...

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I've been pointed to quite aLOT of entries and some of them are just too priceless to be believed and I MUST gather the quotes for a rainy day...

So massive quotage ahoy!

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*Those are some GAY hobbits, man. For real. Gayer than a three dollar bill, all of them.

- I think Legolas, however, might be gayer than all the hobbits combined. That coy little smile he gives Aragorn at his coronation? I mean, criminy.

-Had two little fanboys sitting next to me, who were only vaguely annoying with all their whispering. But! They made a funny that got me good. The scene in... uh... the tower? With the orcs, after Shelob attacks Frodo? Yeah, that one. When Frodo thought the orcs had gotten the ring and Sam says that he has it, the fanboy closest to me whispered, "Sam, you pimp," and I snortlaughed a little into my Coke.

~from ink_stain

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hilarious meta snarking from crantz, don't force me to pick, just check it out.

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lierdumoa, on the Elrond and Aragorn "Let me gift you this overly long phallic symbol" scene...

In my head I was thinking, "Oh wait, not done slow panning. Still got a good thirteen inches to go." *snerk*

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trollprincess is as hilarious as ever, so I'm just linking to her entire Letter to RotK

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from epicyclical

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN

Day One:

Mysteriously, not in this movie at all. Could have sworn I had at least one scene. Apparently not. Have been assured by agent that I will appear in Extended Edition. Will spend intervening time period smoking remainder of pipeweed and carving SAURON & SARUMAN 4EVER on the Ents. Go me!

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To the question what does Faramir say to Gandalf just before the suicide charge, catsmeat comments...

"Where does my allegiance lie, if not here?" It's a alittle dig at the book, in which faramir is Gandalf's plaything.

...and all that excess oil, wot?

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Obvious has a name. It is.. Legolas.

Aragorn: Keep his eye trained somewhere else.
Legolas (to camera): A diversion! Orcs! Uruk-hai! Shadow! Red sun rising! Crebain from Dunland! You're late and you need a bath!

~ etchah

...Legolas, dear-heart, just moon the camera and no one will pay any attention to anything else for *DAYS*

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resmiranda notes

Sauron would have made a great lighthouse.

...or Johnny Depp's flashlight in Secret Window...

Legolas managed to kill an oliphaunt in the absolute gayest way possible.

XD

Gandalf still cool and sparkly white. Must find out what conditioner he uses.

...with Saruman so jealous he'd disappeared from the movie...

Sam needs to change his name from Samwise the Brave to Samwise the Pimptastic.

...the last of which sorely need to be iconized somewheres...

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lannamichaels's wrote a Slashers' Guide to Return of the King

some faves:

SCENE II: SMEAGOL NARRATING OVER HIS TRANSFORMATION

SMEAGOL: They cast us out. Faggot, they called us. Kinky deranged faggot. And we forgot the taste of cock, the feel of a fucking, the consistency of lubricant. But, on the upside, no one looks at us strangely when we go around stark naked. Yes, precious, yes!


SCENE XI: ON THE ROAD TO THE GREY HAVENS

ARWEN: Oh, look, my son.

ELROND: What the fuck? Since when do you see visions? *pause* Damn, Aragorn ages well.

ARWEN: Ada!


SCENE XIII: IN MINAS MORGUL

ORC: And what of the Wizard?

WITCHKING: I will break him.

ORC: Kinky.


SCENE XV: IN THE SPIRIT OF BRAVE SIR ROBIN, RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY

GANDALF: Isn't my Nazgul-be-gone something awesome?

FARAMIR: Frodo?

PIPPIN: You've fucked Frodo and Sam!

FARAMIR: Erm.

GANDALF: Faramir, tell me everything.

...::whispers:: it's allllll about the Pointy Hat-Trick (tm)...

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You MUST check out quink's
Every Single RotK Review Ever Written...

First and foremost, you must pass the pee test to decide whether the endings were too long. Simply: how badly did you have to pee by the end of it? This will determine your entire outlook of the movie and, by extension, the trilogy. Was it good enough that you forgot you even had a bladder (Hopefully without negative consequences for the people sitting around you), or were you squirming in your seat ? We'll discuss the pee test more when we come to the 'but' paragraph. For now, jot down the state of your bladder at the end of the movie. If you're still crossing your legs even now, you can decide in advance if the film had "One ending too many", "7 or 8 false endings" or "748 final scenes that dragged on for almost half of the entire trilogy". Now run.

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addictedkitten's review (about halfway down) was adorably squee-filled such as this:

And then there's the gay elf princess Legolas who spent the film expositing and being pretty. I really wanted to enjoy the oliphant scene but it felt more like "and this is the scene where Legolas kicks ass! scream, fangirls, scream!"

...and makes a very valid comment about The Kiss...

Although that kiss between Aragorn and Arwen was like, oh, right, yes, het, okay. Please sir may I have some more? And so on.

...and has wonderful side commentary as well...

Ah, HP fandom. Not as hot as Lotrips, not as brilliant as Buffy, and not as canon as LotR, but WHO BRINGS THE WANK? OH YEAH, BABY. WE BRING THE WANK. :-D See, I thoughtfully brought it right to your friendslist.

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What is it about book to film adaptations that inspires such rabid purism in people? Stumbling across some choice reviews on LJ, in which the writers seem to have nothing ungrudgingly positive to say about the Lord of the Rings film trilogy, I want to say: "Unclench! Life might actually seem sweeter to you!"

from hesychasm

::tears of laughter, head on arm on table, hand pounding on the surface::

...as I've said to a couple people, I understand that it's hard to see someone take something you love and reinvent it, but, still:

::HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER::

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tocomfortyou:

Aloof, Unavailable Elf Prince
Oi, remember Firenze from Harry Potter? Legolas is kind of like him: looking up at the skies, making prophecies of doom, predicting vague threats, etc. He's not MapQuest, he's a pair of binoculars...

I Am Still The Prettiest, Bitch
In case you've never read the books, Tolkien mentions quite a lot of times that Legolas is teh h0tz0rz. Only Tolkien uses the word 'fair' over and over. Fair eyes, fair face, fair skin, fair elfhood. Er. I mean. Legolas is hot stuff. It's fucking canon, baby.

I Am A Sensitive Motherfucker
Hey, this one goes out to people who've been bombarded with too much crapfic from the LOTR fandom: Legolas is not your bitch. He's pretty, he's well-manicured, he's lithe, but he's a metrosexual, not Ian McKellan. You try and take him up the ass by surprise? He will kill your ass. You want to whip him into your service? He'll put an arrow through your skull before you reach for the leather. Legolas is one macho motherfucker and he will be all over your ass like white on rice if you try anything. Get that through your head, ass.

Legolas is one strong, loyal, hot piece of cut glass. Stop bitching.

::grins:: why does WhiteTrash!Legolas amuse me so much??

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capricioussylph commented here:

Lol, very much so. The only way that it could have possibly been more obvious is if they had t-shirts proclaiming their love. You know, 'I <3 hobbits' or 'I killed a ringwraith/oliphaunt/fought against a really big eye/died looking like a pincushion for some hobbity lovin and all I got was this t-shirt.' Something like that. I think signs or banners would have worked nicely too.

and the "let me be on my knees for the hobbitses" and bringing that whole crowd rippling down

Yes, the whole 'you bow for no one' thing, when you know that Aragorn is really adding on 'because you are the prefect height when you are standing and I wouldn't mind taking advantage of that' in his head. Just because he got a shower in no way means that his mind is clean. Sick, dirty old man.

This movie has completely redefined the phrase 'gaze longingly.' It has set the standard for which all other movies must now try and reach. They will, of course, fail horribly.

::waves "I fought at Pelennor and all I got was this Lousy T-Shirt"::

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...and for that matter read capricioussylph's post on the thing too. I couldn't pick just *one* thing to quote...so here's just a sample

Scene outside with Legolas and Aragorn so slashy!
Aragorn: What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a place like this? Out alone in the dark?
Legolas: Something stirs in the east.
Aragorn: Well there’s something stirring down south too.
Legolas: The eye of the Enemy is moving.
Aragorn: Yep, it’s movin’ alright.
Legolas: He is here.
Aragorn: Not quite yet. Give me a couple more minutes.
Of course then they have to go help save Pippin, during which Aragorn is cursing the living daylights out of the hobbit for interrupting his private time with The Pretty. But it all works out okay because then they have a nice snuggle on the floor after they have had their fun with their balls.

...and it gets better...

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I'll post a bit later a discussion of the various reviews that were serious, with links to my faves, but scanning the various posts, I just-- I mean it--

::covers face at some of the reviews::

okay.

y'know, if ya'll are really *that* pissed about the whole kiss thing, I supposed there could be a mass petition started to redo the movie and re-cast Orlando Bloom as Arwen.

Really, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

And Liv Tyler could play Legolas and then ya'll would have a dark-haired elf and it's not like you'd lose a stellar performance either way...

Comments

[nekofreak.livejournal.com]

and much squeeing laughter was had!! ROTF! you rock hun! *glomp*

This movie has completely redefined the phrase 'gaze longingly.' It has set the standard for which all other movies must now try and reach. They will, of course, fail horribly.

i've been saying that since the first one! ^_^

re- gandalf. i want a shirt with a pic of his staff that says 'you have been bitch slapped by gandalf!' lol ^_^

[capricioussylph.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* These are too good!

How about Orlando Bloom playing both? It's not like Arwen really interacts much with... well, anyone. So we just change Orli's wig, he already looks girly enough, and have him sit and look sad. Then at the end of the movie he would get to wear TWO different tiaras, he and Aragorn would have their Manly Shoulder Clasping and Meaningful Staring, and then he and Aragorn could have lovely snoggage. Yes, I like this idea. Who has Peter Jackson's phone number?

[poshcat.livejournal.com]

That was the post of the week, my friend! Thank you for pulling it all together for the laziest among us. ::raises hand, but not too high, because I'm lazy::

Legolas: Something stirs in the east.
Aragorn: Well there's something stirring down south too.

Legolas managed to kill an oliphaunt in the absolute gayest way possible.

::grins:: why does WhiteTrash!Legolas amuse me so much??

Meep! Poor, gayfest Legolas definitely got the best lines in this reviewapalooza. My icon was even amused. Thanks again, sweetie, I shall be giggling all the way to bed.

[juniper200.livejournal.com]

My friend Anneliese tells the tale that she went to see it for a second time a few days after the opening. Just as Aragorn is leaning into the kiss with Arwen, through the silence of the theater echoes the voice of a teenage boy:

"Do her in the pooper!"

And the house just comes down.

I'm partial to Gandalf's Stick of Pimping (+5 against Denethor!), because then you get: "You would not part an old man from his pimp stick?"

Legolas is not your bitch. He's pretty, he's well-manicured, he's lithe, but he's a metrosexual, not Ian McKellan. You try and take him up the ass by surprise? He will kill your ass. You want to whip him into your service? He'll put an arrow through your skull before you reach for the leather.

*is dead, because that whole quote is so true and so perfect, and also because the icon is finally relevant*

[nekofreak.livejournal.com]

Then at the end of the movie he would get to wear TWO different tiaras,

*snickerfit!* ^_~ so true, so true

[maymorning.livejournal.com]

*giggling hysterically* I haven't even seen the bloody thing yet! (Going on tuesday I think.) I have to admit, I'm not a LOTR fan, but I'll enjoy it a lot more now that I've read all of this.

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::grins:: go see! It's *most* wonderful with lovely sound and sweeping visuals and I dare you not to love it!

(warning tho, don't drink anything beforehand, it's a looooong movie...)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_audrey/]

And Liv Tyler could play Legolas and then ya'll would have a dark-haired elf and it's not like you'd lose a stellar performance either way...

I can totally see this (and not only because I think Liv Tyler is more manly than Orlando Bloom any day of the week), but my mental image of Legolas has dark hair anyway. :P

[winter]

*has barely managed to stop giggling now*

Thanks for those.

Btw, it looks like your image host unallowed hotlinking - none of your mood images or the lj background show up >_

[girlpearl]

I was doing *fine* until I got to the bit from tocomfortyou's review. Am now wearing coffee.
Thank you for this, really, REALLY, thank you.

[penm.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Most of these are absolute hilarity. I especially love Gandalf's laying of the smackdown on Denethor with his pimptastic stick.

[calicokat.livejournal.com]

y'know, if ya'll are really *that* pissed about the whole kiss thing, I supposed there could be a mass petition started to redo the movie and re-cast Orlando Bloom as Arwen.

Really, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

Takes me back to the first time me and my friend Li saw the preview to Troy and there's a bit where Paris is kissing Helen and Li yells loud enough the whole theater can probably here him, "WERE THOSE LESBIANS?"

"No, honey, that was Orlando Boom."

And Liv Tyler could play Legolas and then ya'll would have a dark-haired elf and it's not like you'd lose a stellar performance either way...

And then the Mirkwood elves wouldn't look like they were seeing their colorists to try and get in on Galadriel's style, as she is the only person in the movie with real, blonde eyebrows? Amen!

[capricioussylph.livejournal.com]

Actually, on second thought, maybe this is not such a good idea. I think it is more of a one-way street to a major bitch fight between Leggy/Orli!Arwen over who really is The Prettiest. Or worse yet, people might try to write Orli/Orli het. *shudders* Though, as I have written Will/Legolas, I am probably not one to judge.

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

Legolas is not your bitch. He's pretty, he's well-manicured, he's lithe, but he's a metrosexual, not Ian McKellan. You try and take him up the ass by surprise? He will kill your ass. You want to whip him into your service? He'll put an arrow through your skull before you reach for the leather. Legolas is one macho motherfucker and he will be all over your ass like white on rice if you try anything. Get that through your head, ass.

Legolas is one strong, loyal, hot piece of cut glass. Stop bitching.

Word. Ten thousand times word. Why do so many people attempt to make Legolas all fragile and victimised and what-have-you? He's fucking scary. He gets in machismo contests with dwarves and wins. He likes killing things. And I'm convinced that the reason Theoden finally caved and agree to go to Gondor's aid was the really mean look Legolas gave him.

He does spend a lot of the film trilogy standing dramatically against the skyline making vague expositiony pronouncements, though.

Sam needs to change his name from Samwise the Brave to Samwise the Pimptastic.

*bows down before that statement and worships it* RoTK was definately Sam's turn to be agressively cool.

Sam to Shelob: You fucked with Master Frodo. Die, arachnoid bitch!

Sam to Orcs on staircase: You stole my ringbearer! Cower before my threateningly oversized shadow! And then die.

Sam to Orc about to kill Frodo: You want to do what to Frodo? Eat glowing blue metal, bitch!

Sam to Frodo: Ring? What ring? Oh, you mean this ring? *produces it* Doesn't go with my saucepan. Want it back?

[nekofreak.livejournal.com]

lol.
and the ficclet!! very funny ^_~

[capricioussylph.livejournal.com]

Thanks! ;)

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Why do so many people attempt to make Legolas all fragile and victimised and what-have-you?

It's the elf thing, where they have to look serious and pretty and walk in slow-mo.

He gets in machismo contests with dwarves and wins.

::blinkity:: wow. I never thought of it that way. ::DIES:: and your Sam comments! XD

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::grins:: no problem. ::hands you virtual towel::..

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ahh, the pimp stick. most assuredly yes!

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mergle. yeah, my image host is being finicky, I think I'm just going to post them on the school server or something...

[penm.livejournal.com]

Although you know, Denethor has his own pimp cane to retaliate with (not shown in the movie).

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heh, yeah, I remember the screams of anguish when people discovered the "blond elf" thing, ::pats Legolas:: poor thing, so expository yet so misunderstood.

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"You would not part an old man from his pimp stick?"

XD or you could play the 'pants' game too...

"You would not part an old man from his pants?"

and ::peers at your icon:: XD

[permetaform]

no problem!

::raises hand, but not too high, because I'm lazy::

::grins at you:: know the feeling, usually by the end of christmas break whenever family calls my name I just grunt in answer...

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

Sam to Frodo: Ring? What ring? Oh, you mean this ring? *produces it* Doesn't go with my saucepan. Want it back?

*helpless mirth*

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

How else do you think Denethor kept his two boys in line?

*runs away, giggling madly*