"Tell me more." (on finding words to speak about racism, and other things)

[permetaform]

(continued from the earlier post, for ibarw)

I have been, and probably will be, stumped in the presence of a person who is hurt. Not only do I not have wide experience helping people who've been hurt, but I kinda didn't have the background to know/enjoy the experience of being helped.

But something I've learned recently clarified an immense amount, and while I still struggle sometimes to apply it, it...helps. It helps so much with the not sticking one's foot into one's mouth.

It is this:

The worst possible thing you can do to a person who says, "I'm hurt by that," is to respond with, "No, you're not."

The worst response occurs in many forms:

- "You're exaggerating."

- "It's just cultural."

- "There's more important things. I've skinned my knee."

- "That could never happen."

- "Are you sure you aren't imagining it?"

- "I've never heard of anything like it."

- "I don't believe it."

- "I can't imagine him doing that."

- "It's your fault."

- "Serves you right."

- "I'm not raping you."


No matter who you are, there are certain needs that all people share. At or near the top of the list is one's Right To Exist. Everybody needs to feel that their existence has value, that their experiences are truthful; everybody needs to feel that their experiences are worth sharing.

I have to admit tho, that it's hard to put this into practice. I'm *used* to laughing away matters or making light of it, it's what my parents are used to and what they used on me, it is in my family's community to be stoic, and revealing hurt is a sign of weakness and to be ignored. It is *hard* to go against this, but to ignore a person's hurt is to increase their suffering.

Ignoring, dismissing, diminishing the reality of a wound makes it fester.

Depending on who the person is, they'll either keep silent and blow up at a later period or become angry (or more angry) or be hurt further.


Provided you don't want to hurt people, what would be a response then?

- "Tell me more, I'm not sure I understand."

- "I didn't know, tell me about it."

- "I'm sorry that you're hurt, tell me what is wrong."

Note: sometimes, the other person IS overreacting. But that shouldn't be the first response, because treating someone like their overreacting will not only hurt the person who has a legitimate complaint, but it'll make a person who's only overreacting overreact more.

Note: No blame is assigned in the above statements. In any direction.

Note: Notice the essential difference between these three statements and the other ones. One set says, "I will listen."

The other set says, "Shut up."

Why would people tell others to Shut Up?

I've read many arguments and various writings on the subject, but really it boils down to the fact that it's hard to look suffering in the eye. It's hard to admit to fault. It's hard to not be happy and carefree. It's hard and shameful to realize that something you take joy in may be causing pain to someone else at the same time, and this could be anywhere from liking POTC:DMC to squeeing with your group of friends and not including the colored girl hanging uncertainly at the edges.

Because fandom consumes American media, because fandom is predominantly American, it is hard to say that you are not racist. And I'm not saying this to blame. I'm saying this with the realization that I am racist too. You, too, will probably act in a way based on prejudice without knowing, and you might be confronted with it. But look, then the act is *yours* and if you can't change yourself, what can you change?

Then again, I'm one of those people who prefer to be told that I have spinach on my teeth.

Are you?


Racism and prejudice are things that are so ingrained that oftentimes even those being prejudiced against have others that they make less-than-human. It's hard to see, periodDOT, unless it's pointed out or shockingly present.


This is something that happened to me maybe two years ago. My mom and I were getting a new cell phone plan, and were talking to the salesman. The salesman was asian, and talking to us in Chinese. I thought him very well spoken and educated.

Until he spoke English.

And I knew, then, that had he spoken in English first I would have dismissed him. I would have considered him ill-educated.

This is prejudice.



That was one of my experiences. It's less than 100 words long.

Post about yours.

Comments

[nekonexus.livejournal.com]

*nods in agreement* Finding words is the hard part. It's easy to just let the comments go by, less easy to recognize them for what they are and still let them pass, but really hard to call someone on it. (Easier on yourself, I think, if you get in the habit, and catch it in your head before you speak.)

[permetaform]

::nods:: It's really incredibly difficult to get other people to change if they don't want to.

And yeah...I wonder about conversations...like, what are other good ways to start talking about it? Because it's always those first words that are the hardest.

[nekonexus.livejournal.com]

I think it really depends on the conversation. For example, if a random comment comes up, and you're with friends/coworkers/whatever, that you trust to a certain degree, it might be easier to say "hey, I disagree with that statement for x reason." Having facts to back you up is always good -- and I'm thinking on a tangent here, because I most often have to call my coworkers on their opinion of homeless and/or disabled people.

Someone brought up a news piece about a homeless soccer team that was travelling to Europe (from Canada), for a tournament. The easy part was to point out things like "at least they're not panhandling...." The hard part was keeping up the defense of "they are people too!" and therefore deserving of the same basic rights as a person with a roof over their head, when the conversation devolved into "well, at least they won't be fussy about where they stay" / "yeah, sleeping on the bus would be a big improvement!" ... In of itself, okay, yeah, might be true, but the high-handed way in which it was said was really frustrating to me, and hard to argue with because it was that "oh, it's all in good fun." And *that* is the most difficult to stand up against, I find.

Like you said, people won't change if they don't want to, so I've been trying to focus on the little ways I can change the conversation to make me more comfortable, by getting them to either change their view (however temporarily) or just drop the topic. But it's hard. ~_~

[nightengale.livejournal.com]

I'm mulling, which means I have few words. But I'm thinking that one situation I *think* I'm in is that my colored friends are racist against colored people in general. Me being white, we mostly hang out as a trio and the race issue doesn't come up until it does, and then I'm awkward because suddenly they have color skins again and I don't know how to interact with them that way, I don't know the set of jokes and I don't know what I'm allowed to say and what will come off offensive.

Equally perplexing is the white girl who hangs out with all the colored girls at school. She has been heard yelling at people who try to tell her she's not black. And honestly she is, if color can be mentally chosen like gender identity can. It's...unnerving, because the kind of person she is, plus the uniqueness of her situation, plus the nature of her friends/what they like to do when they hang out (that is, not all groups of friends trade heavily in banter/friendly put-downs. theirs does.) creates *lots* of difficult situations for a listener who isn't sure if she's allowed to laugh along with everyone else when the white girl calls herself a marshmallow in hot chocolate. I'm white, so if I laugh am I laughing *at* them? Or is it with them because the other white girl opens up the "circle"?

I get so paranoid about being offensive that I get afraid that my paranoia becomes offensive. Etc. @_@

[niqaeli]

This is probably going to sound kind of retarded because no, it's not like being told 'shut up, you're not human because of your skin colour'.

But... my workplace is getting increasingly hostile feeling, at least the break room is, because they keep saying things lime "never date anyone who plays video games" and I'm sitting there, hurt, and trying to figure out how I can possibly make the point that, hey, you know what, I play video games without getting myself more directly insulted. And I guess I just need to suck it up and start saying "Hey, you know what, I play video games/do X thing and it hurts to have it implied that I am a loser for it. I hold down a job, right? I have a fiance, we're looking to buy a house. Gaming is a hobby, a pretty important one, but like stamp-collecting or whatever, I am more than my hobby and so are most other people" and just... *dealing* with it. *Speaking up*. About this and everything else they say that bothers me. Non-confrontationally saying 'hey, I know you wouldn't ever say anything that you meant to hurt, but that's a concept/word/whatever that is hurtful to me/gays/other races for X reason".

It's hard, though, to speak up when you're hurt. I want to curl up and nurse my wounds, not be calm and rational and calling people on their unconscious crap.

[permetaform]

mmm, but it's still a hurt. And not being able to get recognition for one's valid hurts is yet another hurt on top of the first wound.

Part of the nursing of one's wounds, I've found, is to let it air out in some venue, somewhere where it's either safe or where you feel like you can (have the ability to) protect the wound. And...yeah...I'm also learning how to protect my own emotional wounds, so I can air them out while feeling safe wherever.

::hugs:: I hope you are well. It's been awhile since we've crossed paths and it made me smile to see your name in my in-box.

[permetaform]

huh.

It...your comment seems to circle around...like.

::ponders::

Like, you are afraid of being wrong...and I'm not sure if exactly that's the term for it.

What's the worst thing that can happen to you if you come off as being offensive? If they stop being your friends for forever and ever and NOT allow you to apologize and make amends...that seems kinda wrong, to have friends like that.

If you are uncertain as whether or not to laugh, why not bring that up? The uncertainty?

A thing that this reminds me of is fashes' saying that, "Fear makes people crazy."

I...dunno. Why are you afraid of offending people? Are you afraid to apologize? Are you afraid that your apologies won't be enough? Is it the hurting of people that you want to avoid? (but they are already hurt, and more hurt by being Other, and more hurt by non-interaction)

What if you preface things with a, "I just want to learn, so call me on my bullshit and tell me when I'm being offensive"?? Would they react badly to this? If so, why?

::wryyyy:: I dunno if any of this helps. I just remember this one teammate in this project taking me aside and *shaking* me, telling me to goddamn just tell them what I'm thinking, because sitting on the fence pisses *everybody* off, rather than no-one.

[niqaeli]

It's a hurt and from it I can begin to extrapolate what it's like to feel other hurts like it. I'll never *know* what it is like to be african or asian or indian, but I can try to imagine it whenever I'm tempted to say "shut up" in any of its many forms. That's what imagination is, I think, why we evolved it--so we could put ourselves in the other person's shoes and empathise. Maybe that's why fans are often so aware of social problems that they may not overtly suffer from personally, because they've developed their imaginations and use them all the time?

It's funny, because a lot of things people talk about racism and racist mindsets, especially privileged white racists' mindsets are utterly incomprehensible to me. Like, I stop and go "but why would anyone ever think like that? that's *bizarro* logic." It doesn't mean I'm not racist--because I really do think everyone is, at least a little, it's just whether or not they acknowledge it and instead of drowning in guilt refuse to let that irrational thought run their interactions--but I do think it's another set of societal instructions that didn't get nearly as well as it was supposed to because of... who knows, maybe my brain is wired funny, maybe I really was just that dissociated from my peers and television and pop culture when I was kid, maybe a bit of both.

But even though I don't get it, it's still my problem because it's still everywhere in my culture. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to address a complaint to my boss and her boss about something I think is racist--not intentionally so at all but all the same--at our workplace without getting sweetly and gently told "don't you think you're over-reacting a bit?" And I'm not even going to be upset at being told shut up at that point but more at the fact that they didn't listen to my point. And the hard thing is, it's such a *small* thing, maybe I am over-reacting, but small or not it's still problematic and still racist and it's something I can maybe try to talk to them about and I just need to figure out how without turning it into a confrontation that puts them on the defensive and/or just ends with them dismissing my concern entirely. (If you're curious, I have a post about it up on my journal).

Anyway, me, I am fine for the most part. I survived summer school and came out with an A in Calc, and I am *so* looking forward to ViVidCon and celebrating, despite being kinda sick. :)

[kintail.livejournal.com]

This is an excellent post -- you make a really important point, and well said. Thank you.

[permetaform]

=) am just glad it was a good read