[PotC fic] CTRL+'S', an ALT+F4 ficlet

[permetaform]

Hey ya'll out there! ::waves at friends list::

Are there any loopholes in this? ::points at fic:: Inconsistencies? Phrases that 'skid'?

Shred it apart, yeah?

Title : CTRL+'S'
Viewpoint: [[Sparrow]]
Author: permetaform
Disclaimer: Not my universe, not my AU universe, not my characters, not getting any swag. Boo. Hiss. Arrr.

Summary: Sparrow's legends, sea turtles and all, refreshed.

Notes: Part of musexmoirai's ALT+F4 universe. Give her much love for creating this lovely playground.

command_key('Have you heard of Sparrow?')://y/n//

//n

did_you_hear.rmr

Sparrow'd once crashed an entire city with a word and a smile and a wave of his hand; the loot funneled, onto a dark Vessel, that moves faster than the shadows that slip from the light.

That moves faster than sanity flees, from Sparrow's mind.

command_key('You heard of Sparrow?')://y/n//

//n

do_you_know.rmr

Sparrow was stranded ten turns ago on a breach of jazz, barely on a slight god's-spit of reality, with but the planks of his sanity to hold on to, which were slowly being warped by the heat.

Was caught there for days. He'd emerged, synapses cauterized and all re-soldered.

With the jazz reaching out and meeting his steps halfway.

command_key('Heard of Sparrow?')://y/n//

//n

will_you_believe.rmr

Three days and three nights delines no meaning in that grit strand of space, semi-sentient energies becoming slow acclimated to Sparrow's presence, curling around and rubbing against him. Marking him, as one of their own.

He'd woven rope from the shreddings of his own thoughts, lasso'ed together the streams of his mind.

And rode the tide out.

command_key('Sparrow?')://y/n//

//n

system_unstable

restart?://y/n//

//n

Sparrow rolled back from the panel, stretched and cracked his knuckles, pealed his laughter into the room.

He could barely tell what'd truly happened any more.



[end]

Question: Which title?

Ctrl+'S'
Ctrl 'S'
control+'S'
CTRL+'S'

or something else??

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

not knowing your writing style here is a list of possible mistakes.


previous: "the loot funneled onto a dark Vessel that moves faster than the shadows that slip from the light."
too many "that"s
suggestion: "the loot funneled onto a dark Vessel that moves faster than the shadows slipping from the light."
i take it you mean the word "Vessel" as a name, like of a program, for it to be capitalised. Also, maybe consider: "the loot; funneled onto"


this is not a mistake. i just liked it.
"Sparrow was stranded ten turns ago on a breach of jazz, barely on a slight god's-spit of reality, with but the planks of his sanity to hold on to, which were slowly being warped by the heat.

Was caught there for days. He'd emerged synapses cauterized and all re-soldered.
With the jazz reaching out and meeting his falling steps halfway."

the words you've used: stranded, turns, breach, god's spit, planks and cauterised. especially. they fit very well.
as does the .rmr *commends you*


also. good title = something that would make it clear that Control was important.

Re:

[permetaform]

first of all, ::GLOMP:: thank you so much for feedbacking and leaving critique! Thank you for pointing out the 'Vessel' line, I hadn't realized that it was a bit opaque until you've pointed it out, and I've clarified the rhythms hopefully...phoenetically it's supposed to go something like

Sparrow'd once crashed
(an entire city)
with a word and a smile
and a wave of his hand,

the loot funneled

onto a dark Vessel
that moves faster
(than the shadows)
that slip from the light.

...and I'm always unsure how well that would come across in text. So ::HUGS:: major thanks for asking about that!