"Tell me more." (on finding words to speak about racism, and other things)

(continued from the earlier post, for ibarw)

I have been, and probably will be, stumped in the presence of a person who is hurt. Not only do I not have wide experience helping people who've been hurt, but I kinda didn't have the background to know/enjoy the experience of being helped.

But something I've learned recently clarified an immense amount, and while I still struggle sometimes to apply it, it...helps. It helps so much with the not sticking one's foot into one's mouth.

It is this:

The worst possible thing you can do to a person who says, "I'm hurt by that," is to respond with, "No, you're not."

The worst response occurs in many forms:

- "You're exaggerating."

- "It's just cultural."

- "There's more important things. I've skinned my knee."

- "That could never happen."

- "Are you sure you aren't imagining it?"

- "I've never heard of anything like it."

- "I don't believe it."

- "I can't imagine him doing that."

- "It's your fault."

- "Serves you right."

- "I'm not raping you."


No matter who you are, there are certain needs that all people share. At or near the top of the list is one's Right To Exist. Everybody needs to feel that their existence has value, that their experiences are truthful; everybody needs to feel that their experiences are worth sharing.

I have to admit tho, that it's hard to put this into practice. I'm *used* to laughing away matters or making light of it, it's what my parents are used to and what they used on me, it is in my family's community to be stoic, and revealing hurt is a sign of weakness and to be ignored. It is *hard* to go against this, but to ignore a person's hurt is to increase their suffering.

Ignoring, dismissing, diminishing the reality of a wound makes it fester.

Depending on who the person is, they'll either keep silent and blow up at a later period or become angry (or more angry) or be hurt further.


Provided you don't want to hurt people, what would be a response then?

- "Tell me more, I'm not sure I understand."

- "I didn't know, tell me about it."

- "I'm sorry that you're hurt, tell me what is wrong."

Note: sometimes, the other person IS overreacting. But that shouldn't be the first response, because treating someone like their overreacting will not only hurt the person who has a legitimate complaint, but it'll make a person who's only overreacting overreact more.

Note: No blame is assigned in the above statements. In any direction.

Note: Notice the essential difference between these three statements and the other ones. One set says, "I will listen."

The other set says, "Shut up."

Why would people tell others to Shut Up?

I've read many arguments and various writings on the subject, but really it boils down to the fact that it's hard to look suffering in the eye. It's hard to admit to fault. It's hard to not be happy and carefree. It's hard and shameful to realize that something you take joy in may be causing pain to someone else at the same time, and this could be anywhere from liking POTC:DMC to squeeing with your group of friends and not including the colored girl hanging uncertainly at the edges.

Because fandom consumes American media, because fandom is predominantly American, it is hard to say that you are not racist. And I'm not saying this to blame. I'm saying this with the realization that I am racist too. You, too, will probably act in a way based on prejudice without knowing, and you might be confronted with it. But look, then the act is *yours* and if you can't change yourself, what can you change?

Then again, I'm one of those people who prefer to be told that I have spinach on my teeth.

Are you?


Racism and prejudice are things that are so ingrained that oftentimes even those being prejudiced against have others that they make less-than-human. It's hard to see, periodDOT, unless it's pointed out or shockingly present.


This is something that happened to me maybe two years ago. My mom and I were getting a new cell phone plan, and were talking to the salesman. The salesman was asian, and talking to us in Chinese. I thought him very well spoken and educated.

Until he spoke English.

And I knew, then, that had he spoken in English first I would have dismissed him. I would have considered him ill-educated.

This is prejudice.



That was one of my experiences. It's less than 100 words long.

Post about yours.