permetaform | woken up by thought

It comes to me that a story, any story, isn't really "real" to me unless it's bittersweet, or sweetlybitter. Or rather, for instance, that I'm totally dry-eyed through most drama's and Schindler's List, though it made me achy, didn't really cause me to cry. Ditto for comedies, I don't usually find things funny unless they're half-serious or morbid.

But like, have a story, where you simultaneously bring on the pain and make me smile all at once and I'm *wrecked*. Serenity got me gutted, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had me in tears, and I'm still trying to process Dead/Not Dead.

Something about laughing on top of ashes, something about hopeless battles fought with joyful abandon, something about the vicious love of life-that-is-death.

I think it partly springs from my thoughts on the "glass half-full/half-empty" problem, which is basically, "Look! There's water!" It's like how I find both taoism and buddhism too...hmm. non-squeeful? Like, I like the part of taoism that says "bounce back", and I agree with buddhism in the "life is inherently bitter", but...there's more than that.

Like, I believe that the world, and life, and people are inherently fucked up, that everything and everybody is inherently traumatized, just in different ways. But out of that comes such beauty, and isn't that just amazing? Astonishingly wonderful things still happen, little bits of kindness, startling bits of joy, quivering bits of happiness.

And like, reality is this, this total absurdity. It's ridiculous and strange and all sorts of cool.

And I think...I think that that's when the reality of any particular narrative I approaches hits. 'Cause it could be dark, but see, it won't *matter* to me, it's not *real*...but make me smile and suddenly I'm crying. It's a safe place, but not, a rest point, the curl of an arm, the heaves between sobs, the breath before relief. It's pru's fic and spike's fic and etben's fic and jenn's fic and really an amazing lot of fic in SGA and it's me reeling from snortling to w00bling at the episodes and it's me getting misty at other people's meta and it's me screaming at Home and it's me crying at Letters From Pegasus and this hasn't happened before.

And this didn't start out being about SGA except of course it went there and I'm just gonna go to sleep now 'cause I'm obviously rambling.

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Like, I believe that the world, and life, and people are inherently fucked up [...] It's ridiculous and strange and all sorts of cool.

*sighs* You know, this is why I love the internet. You've just summed up my opinion in a nutshell, just more eloquently than I ever could.

::hugs:: =)

Can I just take a moment to dance in circles at the fact that I'm on your list? with some completely awesome people? Ok. *dances*

Also, yes. I completely agree with you, about how everything is better when there's some seriously bad stuff going down as well. Because, yeah, life sucks, but it's also amazing, and a story that can remind me of that is a good thing. Like what we talked about the other night, about how some of the hottest stuff is the really disturbing stuff, and the disturbing stuff a lot of the time ends up so disturbing because it's hot, and we don't know what to do about that.

And, yeah. Rockstar. If I didn't have cognitive science homework to finish, I'd say more - or possibly John's last part of the story, or write more scary!Elizabeth. Stupid department, giving homework the first week, when nobody's had the chance to get the readings and everyone's just tired anyways. Or wanting to write, in my case.

Still, yes. And thanks! and word.

=D Yeah, that conversation last night was part of what prompted my waking up to post this collasced with The Long Goodbye. ::hugs::

'Cause it could be dark, but see, it won't *matter* to me, it's not *real*...but make me smile and suddenly I'm crying. It's a safe place, but not

Yes, yes, and more yes! Every fandom that ever grabs me, every character that ever grabs me, has to have that darkness, but not entirely - villains are just too uninteresting.

It's the reason I loved Captain Corelli's Mandolin so much (the book, not the film - I never saw that after hearing how they massacred it, ack) - the evil snark had me giggling out loud almost every other page, and then I was sobbing multiple times over too.

villains are just too uninteresting.

::nods:: ditto for heroes, but smoosh them together...god, you know that Interlude still gives me shivers? Still? And I have the original full rec still up at

permetaform_rec and just eeee. yes. yes.

::mentally bookmarks the book name::

I don't see either Vash or Wolfwood as 'heroes' in the traditional sense - they're both far too flawed for that. It's manga!Vash's acknowledgement of and working with his flaws that makes me love him, where the anime version sometimes annoys me.

And thank you, so much. Your 'Pieces' squee is still the best piece of feedback I've ever had for anything, and you know, that's really the reason I publicise any of these fics. I write them because I literally can't sleep unless I do, but I put them out there in the slight hope that I can make someone else feel something of how I feel when I write them. And you told me that I had succeeded better than I could ever have hoped :-)

And you're also evil, because you've just reminded me that I need to go and read all your past OUATIM recs - in about a week, after my WIP gives me my brain back....

It's manga!Vash's acknowledgement of and working with his flaws that makes me love him, where the anime version sometimes annoys me.

::nods::

And hee! yeah, ::fond memories:: the fic in that fandom...it's one of those that you have to take breaks from the fic, to let your brain adjust...

Breaks, huh? ::looks back over the last two-and-a-half-months:: Nope, not noticing any of those.....

nah, I meant that some stories were such that I had to look away from the screen and take a breather before I continued reading. ::wry grin::

You know, I'm not remembering any of those either - I think I'm just twisted XD

HEE! could be so! =D

It's like how I find both taoism and buddhism too...hmm. non-squeeful?

*laughs* Fantastic line. Well, and fantastic meta in general. I have to agree with you about the dichotomy of bitter and sweet being one of the most wonderful things about reality. It is well put, and really a good reminder as well that smiling and crying at the same time is not insane: it is human, and in this crazy lj microcosm, it's nice to be reminded of humanity. =)

=D ::hugs:

Like, I believe that the world, and life, and people are inherently fucked up, that everything and everybody is inherently traumatized, just in different ways.
But out of that comes such beauty, and isn't that just amazing? Astonishingly wonderful things still happen, little bits of kindness, startling bits of joy, quivering bits of happiness.

And like, reality is this, this total absurdity. It's ridiculous and strange and all sorts of cool.

Yes, yes, so much yes. For some reason I've been watching old Trek episodes lately, and over and over is the theme that folks aren't meant to live in Eden, and ain't that cool? I also love what you said about the lack of squeefulness in taoism and buddhism. (#231 on the list of words I never thought I'd write before I started hanging out on LJ: squeefulness. :)) Anyway, just wanted to jump up and down a little over what you said, 'cause it puts things in perspective so nicely.

that folks aren't meant to live in Eden, and ain't that cool?

::nodnodnod::

And yeah, it's...while I agree with elements of both religions there was always just something that made me bounce off them. I think, at this point in time, that it might be because 'energetic' is associated with 'bad' (tonally equivalent to 'anger' and 'jealousy' and all that jazz) and I don't think that's true. I don't think that to be mature you'd *have* to slow down and I don't think to be controlled means to be "still" and "serene".

It's kind of weird because just today I was sitting in class thinking about Brave New World and I realized, Happiness is Sadness. I mean, that some of it is at least. We have to come to terms with the sadness to really be happy, is what I'm trying to say. Like you said, there's beauty in it.

Oh and Serenity killed me. Now that hurt with the funny moments and sad ones, to have such happiness and then saddness so quickly was a major shock.

We have to come to terms with the sadness to really be happy, is what I'm trying to say. Like you said, there's beauty in it.

::nods:: Yeah, and like, I notice that alot of things that people are angry for (and angry at religion for) is that religion is "supposed" to give their lives narrative and when stupid and senseless things happen they don't have a container for it anymore. They "didn't see it coming", and they aren't okay with that, because death "isn't supposed to be senseless" and I can sorta see that same resonance to the way some people responded to Serenity.

... yes, I think that about sums it up.

woken up by thought

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