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am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.
I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?
It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?
what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?
I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1
and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine
and in specific this paragraph:
But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.
Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.
It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.
I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.
But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.
And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.
::hugs flist::
[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...
[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.
I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?
It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?
what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?
I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1
and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine
and in specific this paragraph:
I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to....and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.
But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.
Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.
It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.
I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.
But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.
And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.
::hugs flist::
[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...
[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.
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::nods:: WORD.
I'm not sure to what part of the post the next paragraph refers to tho...::is confuzzled::
Well, see, there's being cynical because you're not surprised, and then there's tamping down your own joy in order to appear cool and collected. The latter is what I'm referring to.
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there's tamping down your own joy in order to appear cool and collected. The latter is what I'm referring to
Ah. Yes. Okay.
Well, honestly? It might be a counter-current in culture. Dunno about you, but where I am, part of regional culture is to appear happy and friendly and touchy-feely to the extreme, especially with teenage girls. Like, in my high school? The halls are narrow, and the school's a little too small for the 3000 students it holds. Yet one day I walk out to see a group of thirty freshmen girls kissing and hugging each other. As in, each member of the group had to hug all the other members of the group and say v. loudly how much they were going to miss each other.
They were just going to go to their first fucking class. In November, not on the first day of school. They blocked up the entire fucking hallway and made God knows how many people late for class.
And the whole thing's like, you feel as if you have to be overjoyed with everyone. I don't particularly like hugging people unless I am seriously overwhelmed--think funeral or wedding--but I do it a lot anyway because it's expected, even with just, say, a passing acquaintance you haven't seen in a few months.
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::boggles:: er. where exactly are you again? That's definately wasn't the regional culture (or is it sub-culture?) I grew up in. I'm not sure if it's the general asian-ness of the area or if it's because I was basically a loner until freshman year HS.
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also, it throws light on Smallville! =D
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I can't get into that fandom. My sister watches it, I've glimpsed a bit and browsed some fanfic, but a lot of it just sounds like the more rural areas by my hometown.
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Eh, not so much. Some of us just like to point and laugh at the stupid.
I mean, okay, the atmosphere can get a little witch-hunty at times? But that's not really representative of the whole of FW.
Aaaaand I'm shutting up now.
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I mean, the fanwank incidents themselves spawn from someone trying to do that, not the members of fandom_wank. Sorry.
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It kinda goes both ways, I guess. I want room to be slap-happy and reticient and just plain cranky.
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YES! That's it! I want them to be true. To work beyond the front-y vagueness and the overblown and the excessive cynicism.
Oh, realized that I didn't answer this in my last comment to you, I grew up in So-Cal, part of the time in the uber-white suburbia that is Riverside, part of the time in the uber-asian suburbia that is Rowland Heights.
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Well, um, did your parents ever hit you with the Asian nonexpression? Because generally, Asian culture is nonconfrontational and therefore tries not to provoke any kind of strong reaction. Thus leading to that stereotype of the 'passive-dumb' Asian servant.
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I think I did the nonexpression more at *them* than they ever did at me. huh.
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I know that here Chinese kids joke about never seeing their parents embrace in front of them, or display any kinds of physical affection even when it's just their kids watching. There's a weirdo strict code of decorum somewhere...a lot of Asian girls seem to go the other way almost on purpose. *shrugs* Though I haven't went and asked them, "Is that why you do this?"
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OHHH, THAT! yeah. For the longest time I thought they were just cold to each other and then I learned that apparently they were going at it for enough to require 4 abortions. o.0;
::shrugs:: parents are wierd.
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I grew up in New England. No one is touchy-feely here!
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XD, didn't get that sense from you actually!
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