oddness and rambly on many things

[permetaform]

am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.

I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?

It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?

what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?

I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1

and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine

and in specific this paragraph:

I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to.

...and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.

But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.

Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.

It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.

I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.

But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.

And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.

::hugs flist::

[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...

[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.

Comments

[linaelyn.livejournal.com]

Except, NOT F:LOCKED, my dear.

*hugs*

going back to read the content, now.

[permetaform]

EEEP! ::hugs:: thank you!

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

*Zen connection moment*

I was in the process of trying to decide a few things, like if I want to continue feedbacking authors that I *know* don't reply to comments. Because yeah, I know, busy people, but 'thank you' doesn't take long to type. And I enjoy their fics less because it feels like I'm just throwing roses at an empty stage.

Also, fandom? Is fandom. Is not quality or quantity. Fuck, nobody owns it. Or if anyone has a right to, it's the creators of the canonical source, and not the bloody fans. You can say what you wanna see, but then you have to put up with all the people that don't want to see the way you do. It's just what you do.

*shrugs* Frankly, I've given up on not being cynical. Hell, scientists are some of the brightest, most passionate, pigheaded bastard people I've ever met, and they should be the most objective group. What I try to do is keep my capacity to be surprised by people.

[permetaform]

Because yeah, I know, busy people, but 'thank you' doesn't take long to type. And I enjoy their fics less because it feels like I'm just throwing roses at an empty stage.

::nods:: WORD.

I'm not sure to what part of the post the next paragraph refers to tho...::is confuzzled::

Well, see, there's being cynical because you're not surprised, and then there's tamping down your own joy in order to appear cool and collected. The latter is what I'm referring to.

[karose.livejournal.com]

And this component of the flist *hugs* you.

[khalanasa.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

(While I usually lurk, I hear you on the touching and all.)

Thanks for the honesty.

[andtheafterglow.livejournal.com]

we don't really know each other that well, but what the hell. :)

i can identify with a lot of what you've said here..

i find myself, especially recently, opening up more and more to some degree (with a grain of salt, i suppose) within the fandoms i'm involved in. i find people there with whom i share a genuine common interest, and am not friends with them simply because we see each other every day and don't have a choice (ie, high school, college, etc.).

i went through years of being the kind of person who is withdrawn and reclusive, mostly as a result of depression but also because people can be hurtful, and i still am on many levels. but i like that within the fandoms i'm able to just be myself and be accepted, i'm able to SQUEE and GLOMP and all that other fannish stuff and know that everybody else is SQUEEing and GLOMPing right along with me because we all love what we love.

even with all the wank (which i avoid like the plague), i find myself growing quite attached to the fandoms, and more particularly, the people i know within them.. because they *are* my friends, faceless and sometimes even nameless, but friends nonetheless because they aren't there to pass judgment on me and make me feel bad about what makes me squee.

so, lurkers, wankers, and those who just don't understand be damned, because this is too good of a thing to let it be ruined by them.

to quote you: "share the love, so that it grows."

in this day and age, that's all we really can do.

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

Oh, second part spawned from you linking to fandom_wank. It's just empirical, but from what I can tell? They all spawn from someone trying to stamp out a particular section of a fandom.

there's tamping down your own joy in order to appear cool and collected. The latter is what I'm referring to

Ah. Yes. Okay.

Well, honestly? It might be a counter-current in culture. Dunno about you, but where I am, part of regional culture is to appear happy and friendly and touchy-feely to the extreme, especially with teenage girls. Like, in my high school? The halls are narrow, and the school's a little too small for the 3000 students it holds. Yet one day I walk out to see a group of thirty freshmen girls kissing and hugging each other. As in, each member of the group had to hug all the other members of the group and say v. loudly how much they were going to miss each other.

They were just going to go to their first fucking class. In November, not on the first day of school. They blocked up the entire fucking hallway and made God knows how many people late for class.

And the whole thing's like, you feel as if you have to be overjoyed with everyone. I don't particularly like hugging people unless I am seriously overwhelmed--think funeral or wedding--but I do it a lot anyway because it's expected, even with just, say, a passing acquaintance you haven't seen in a few months.

[permetaform]

::just grins at you and hugs back:: you brighten up my flist.

[permetaform]

::hugs back:: =)

[karose.livejournal.com]

You brighten up my existence.

[permetaform]

Dunno about you, but where I am, part of regional culture is to appear happy and friendly and touchy-feely to the extreme, especially with teenage girls.

::boggles:: er. where exactly are you again? That's definately wasn't the regional culture (or is it sub-culture?) I grew up in. I'm not sure if it's the general asian-ness of the area or if it's because I was basically a loner until freshman year HS.

[permetaform]

::blinks:: whoa. o.0;

[firesignwriter.livejournal.com]

I was in the process of trying to decide a few things, like if I want to continue feedbacking authors that I *know* don't reply to comments. Because yeah, I know, busy people, but 'thank you' doesn't take long to type. And I enjoy their fics less because it feels like I'm just throwing roses at an empty stage.

Speaking as someone who's often one of those guilty authors, I don't think it's as simple as "busy people." For at least some of us it's more a combination of "busy people" and the honest desire to want to personalize responses, because we sorta get to know people through their comments (or those plus journal entries and stories) and after a bit it starts to feel cheap to toss off a quick "thanks" when it's a friend you wanna say more to. (The obvious downside being that this is where the busyness comes in and interferes with the chatty personal responses. Gah.)

permetaform? {{{HUGS}}} You're a great gal. And sometimes? You think too much. Be uneasy. Cause a stir. Irk some Sparrington lovers because you personalize the pairing rather more than you're comfortable with. We'll still appreciate you, whether you're huggly or prickly.

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

And before I come off as bad-tempered, this is not to say I don't like being silly and squeeing and stuff, because I do. I go all fangirly nuts pretty regularly. The thing is, I'm not put together to be that way all the time, yet occasionally the surrounding culture makes me feel like I can't participate unless I'm exuberantly happy. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the only one--'Fight Club' satirizes exaggerated politeness and faked good cheer as much as it does the cool satirical Tyler-attitude.

It kinda goes both ways, I guess. I want room to be slap-happy and reticient and just plain cranky.

[permetaform]

but i like that within the fandoms i'm able to just be myself and be accepted, i'm able to SQUEE and GLOMP and all that other fannish stuff and know that everybody else is SQUEEing and GLOMPing right along with me because we all love what we love.

yes, exactly! =D

because they aren't there to pass judgment on me and make me feel bad about what makes me squee.

::nods:: Word.

And btw, I'm sending my best wishes for the x-ray thing. I've never had that happen to me before and was not sure how to respond. ::hugs:: be well.

[karose.livejournal.com]

^^; Well, I'm not over here doing scary cult worshipping or anything, just... What you said, about smiling at people prompts them to open up and smile back? It's very, very true, and I'm so grateful that you did and do it. *hug*

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

American Midwest. It's standard practice all over here, the whole very friendly polite facade, and it's what everyone on the coasts mock like mad when they're talking about earnestness, I think. Sometimes it's a good thing--unlike what all those comedians think, Midwesterners are generally more likely to smile and nod and then go home to bitch if you insult them as to get physical. Sometimes it grates.

[andtheafterglow.livejournal.com]

thank you! :)

[permetaform]

It kinda goes both ways, I guess. I want room to be slap-happy and reticient and just plain cranky.

YES! That's it! I want them to be true. To work beyond the front-y vagueness and the overblown and the excessive cynicism.

Oh, realized that I didn't answer this in my last comment to you, I grew up in So-Cal, part of the time in the uber-white suburbia that is Riverside, part of the time in the uber-asian suburbia that is Rowland Heights.

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, definitely not referring to you here. I mean, you do try and reach out to as many people as you can, when you can. It's more those authors where you go and there's fiftysomething comments and none of them have been answered. Time after time after time. And some of those people have to have been around for a while, just because that's how fandom works. It starts looking like the author just wants to sit back and bask in the glow, y'know?

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

Correction: where you go to basically any post--not necessarily a fic one. Or where a lot of their nonfic posts are 'Bored! Entertain me!', or where they also never, ever answer comments on their nonfic posts, even when their post is explicitly soliciting comments/opinions. I think there's one author I've commented to over twenty times--never got a reply back to a single one. You've definitely got a better track record than that.

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

part of the time in the uber-asian suburbia that is Rowland Heights.

Well, um, did your parents ever hit you with the Asian nonexpression? Because generally, Asian culture is nonconfrontational and therefore tries not to provoke any kind of strong reaction. Thus leading to that stereotype of the 'passive-dumb' Asian servant.

[permetaform]

Be uneasy. Cause a stir. Irk some Sparrington lovers because you personalize the pairing rather more than you're comfortable with.

Have done so before. Because of the way that the pairing is so personalized for the shippers however, it seems that it caused them to read my comments out of context. Or I wasn't stating it clearly enough.

In any case, it's too much of a hot-button issue and I don't think any rational discussion is possible yet, because *I'm* not able to hold a discussion on the topic yet. I haven't been looking much at PotC fandom lately, so I can't judge that angle.

::shrugs::

[permetaform]

awwwww ::gets warm bubblies::