oddness and rambly on many things

[permetaform]

am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.

I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?

It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?

what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?

I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1

and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine

and in specific this paragraph:

I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to.

...and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.

But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.

Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.

It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.

I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.

But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.

And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.

::hugs flist::

[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...

[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.

Comments

[andtheafterglow.livejournal.com]

we don't really know each other that well, but what the hell. :)

i can identify with a lot of what you've said here..

i find myself, especially recently, opening up more and more to some degree (with a grain of salt, i suppose) within the fandoms i'm involved in. i find people there with whom i share a genuine common interest, and am not friends with them simply because we see each other every day and don't have a choice (ie, high school, college, etc.).

i went through years of being the kind of person who is withdrawn and reclusive, mostly as a result of depression but also because people can be hurtful, and i still am on many levels. but i like that within the fandoms i'm able to just be myself and be accepted, i'm able to SQUEE and GLOMP and all that other fannish stuff and know that everybody else is SQUEEing and GLOMPing right along with me because we all love what we love.

even with all the wank (which i avoid like the plague), i find myself growing quite attached to the fandoms, and more particularly, the people i know within them.. because they *are* my friends, faceless and sometimes even nameless, but friends nonetheless because they aren't there to pass judgment on me and make me feel bad about what makes me squee.

so, lurkers, wankers, and those who just don't understand be damned, because this is too good of a thing to let it be ruined by them.

to quote you: "share the love, so that it grows."

in this day and age, that's all we really can do.

[permetaform]

but i like that within the fandoms i'm able to just be myself and be accepted, i'm able to SQUEE and GLOMP and all that other fannish stuff and know that everybody else is SQUEEing and GLOMPing right along with me because we all love what we love.

yes, exactly! =D

because they aren't there to pass judgment on me and make me feel bad about what makes me squee.

::nods:: Word.

And btw, I'm sending my best wishes for the x-ray thing. I've never had that happen to me before and was not sure how to respond. ::hugs:: be well.

[andtheafterglow.livejournal.com]

thank you! :)