oddness and rambly on many things

[permetaform]

am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.

I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?

It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?

what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?

I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1

and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine

and in specific this paragraph:

I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to.

...and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.

But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.

Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.

It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.

I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.

But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.

And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.

::hugs flist::

[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...

[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.

Comments

[firesignwriter.livejournal.com]

I was in the process of trying to decide a few things, like if I want to continue feedbacking authors that I *know* don't reply to comments. Because yeah, I know, busy people, but 'thank you' doesn't take long to type. And I enjoy their fics less because it feels like I'm just throwing roses at an empty stage.

Speaking as someone who's often one of those guilty authors, I don't think it's as simple as "busy people." For at least some of us it's more a combination of "busy people" and the honest desire to want to personalize responses, because we sorta get to know people through their comments (or those plus journal entries and stories) and after a bit it starts to feel cheap to toss off a quick "thanks" when it's a friend you wanna say more to. (The obvious downside being that this is where the busyness comes in and interferes with the chatty personal responses. Gah.)

permetaform? {{{HUGS}}} You're a great gal. And sometimes? You think too much. Be uneasy. Cause a stir. Irk some Sparrington lovers because you personalize the pairing rather more than you're comfortable with. We'll still appreciate you, whether you're huggly or prickly.

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, definitely not referring to you here. I mean, you do try and reach out to as many people as you can, when you can. It's more those authors where you go and there's fiftysomething comments and none of them have been answered. Time after time after time. And some of those people have to have been around for a while, just because that's how fandom works. It starts looking like the author just wants to sit back and bask in the glow, y'know?

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

Correction: where you go to basically any post--not necessarily a fic one. Or where a lot of their nonfic posts are 'Bored! Entertain me!', or where they also never, ever answer comments on their nonfic posts, even when their post is explicitly soliciting comments/opinions. I think there's one author I've commented to over twenty times--never got a reply back to a single one. You've definitely got a better track record than that.

[firesignwriter.livejournal.com]

Well those, yeah, screw 'em.

Didn't mean to be prickly. Just trying to play devil's (my) advocate for those of us who are more ill-organized than ill-intentioned. ;-)

[guede-mazaka.livejournal.com]

's all right.

I usually do try to give people a trial period 'cause I know authors are more pressed for time than anything else. But six months of the same behavior is sorta bleaaah.

[permetaform]

Be uneasy. Cause a stir. Irk some Sparrington lovers because you personalize the pairing rather more than you're comfortable with.

Have done so before. Because of the way that the pairing is so personalized for the shippers however, it seems that it caused them to read my comments out of context. Or I wasn't stating it clearly enough.

In any case, it's too much of a hot-button issue and I don't think any rational discussion is possible yet, because *I'm* not able to hold a discussion on the topic yet. I haven't been looking much at PotC fandom lately, so I can't judge that angle.

::shrugs::

[firesignwriter.livejournal.com]

I remember the stir. It was during a Mercury Retrograde, when communication is flubbed anyway, and it died down quickly enough after a brief explosive period.

And aren't all pairings personalized for their shippers? I mean, I'm really not all that experienced with the shipper-phenomenon -- it wasn't much of an issue in my old fandom, and PotC is the only fandom I've had since -- but from what I've glimpsed of HP, for instance, it seems like shipper-wars are commonplace.

Anyway, I've been a Sparrington devotee since before it had a large enough following to be a bona fide 'ship, and I don't harbor any gripes toward you for disliking the pairing. ::shrug:: I don't speak for all, but I speak for me.

[permetaform]

I remember the stir. It was during a Mercury Retrograde, when communication is flubbed anyway, and it died down quickly enough after a brief explosive period.

::nods:: very true there.

but from what I've glimpsed of HP, for instance, it seems like shipper-wars are commonplace

yup, but I don't think I'm at a place where I can talk coherently about why exactly I'm so vicerally squicked by sparrington. I tried to give examples but those got taken the wrong way and pissed people off.

Anyway, I've been a Sparrington devotee since before it had a large enough following to be a bona fide 'ship, and I don't harbor any gripes toward you for disliking the pairing. ::shrug:: I don't speak for all, but I speak for me.

hee! ::hugs:: ditto. I'm not mad at the sparrington people, just twigged-wierdly by their fanwork, and I'm a bit hesitant now to approach (online-wise) a few of the 'shippers now.

addendum to last comment

[permetaform]

to be more clear: I don't think I'm rational/collected/coherent enough on the topic to be able to hold a discussion without being wildly taken out of context because I'm not phrasing it right. This again deals with the wierd way my brain works...::points at post::