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am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.
I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?
It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?
what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?
I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1
and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine
and in specific this paragraph:
But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.
Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.
It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.
I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.
But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.
And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.
::hugs flist::
[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...
[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.
I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?
It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?
what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?
I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1
and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine
and in specific this paragraph:
I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to....and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.
But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.
Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.
It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.
I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.
But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.
And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.
::hugs flist::
[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...
[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.
no subject
XD make it a promise?
In answer to the question, I've been drinking more tea at home than regularly and when I started getting really twitchy I switched to warm water...so I'm not exactly sure that it's withdrawal.
Too shy to leave feedback? ::boggles:: I mean, I can understand "too lazy" and/or "too busy" but too *shy*??? o.0
::huggles back::
no subject
That would be me. Because I'll see people leaving really insightful feedback, and then I feel all stupid and un-eddycated and I don't really want to leave my feedback, which is usually some variation on "OMG this RAWKS".
Also, I've frequently been given to understand I have bad taste in entertainment, so I feel like positive feedback from me somehow insults that which I'm enjoying.
no subject
well if it was enough to make you twitchy and then you stopped- withdrawal is possible me thinks... poor thing *hugs*
oh dear god i've ranted several times in my lj about fking feedback/comments. being a (sorta) writer myself they mean a damn lot to me and i get so very few. and at least 7 people on my flist claim to be too shy to leave even so much as a fangirly "omg <333" >.< also some people claim that they don't feel right if they don't leave a long detailed review- but then they never get around to it. when posed with the question "then you don't leave any reivew and how fair is that?" they never answer -_-;;;
this is not exactly the best way to put it but i like to compair it to paying the author. they spent how many hours so you could enjoy something- and you can't even give them a pat on the back? W.T.F. personally it makes me feel like shit when i write something and one, maybe two people comment. i know i don't have a big flist- but i also know that more than 2 people on it read the damn fic. so my own damn "friends" can't even bother to reply? that's fucked up! *pant pant* ok stoping now before i really rant >.>;;
no subject
That'd be me, too. I'm insanely socially-anxious offline, and some of it carries over to the 'net - it normally takes me quite a bit of lurking to get comfortable with the idea of inserting myself into a community sort of place. With feedback, particularly, I always think that something constructive is preferable to "OMG I love it give me more now!", and I'm just not good at constructive unless something really stands out to me as needing it (and if it's crit rather than praise, I feel guilty as fuck for pointing it out) - so I tend to remain silent rather than say anything at all in those cases, because otherwise, it feels like I'm pleading for attention. "Oh! Wonderful author/artist! Please, deign to notice me! Acknowledge my worship of you!"
That one tends to turn around on me for responding to feedback, too - after I've said "Thank you" so many times, it starts to feel cheap, like I ought to be putting in the effort to make individual replies - but what else can I say beyond that? So I hide and guilt trip over not being able to think of anything.
no subject
So, I read fics and recommend them over IM to friends with similar tastes and squee over them and add them to my memories, but I don't feedback as often as I know I should. And I feel bad about that, and I try to make an especial effort to comment when a story I really like isn't getting much love, but... *shrug* Sorry.