oddness and rambly on many things

[permetaform]

am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.

I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?

It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?

what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?

I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1

and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine

and in specific this paragraph:

I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to.

...and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.

But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.

Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.

It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.

I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.

But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.

And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.

::hugs flist::

[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...

[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.

Comments

[lierdumoa.livejournal.com]

Wait, you haven't read them? They were lovely. Well characterized and concise, like much of her fic. I think I told you that I'd realized I'd actually already read them when you recc'd them to me.

And dude. I have a Rammstein cover of Depeche Mode's "Stripped." This is either the worst or the best cover ever. I can't decide. I'm droploading it to you.

[permetaform]

ohhhh ic.

and...hmm, I don't like it because it doesn't maintain the elements that I like from the original song and it doesn't introduce any new changes that I like. Other people might like it for it's creepiness, but it's not creepy in a way that sounds better to me. ::shrugs::

[lierdumoa.livejournal.com]

Actually, I just like it because it's awful. I mean, damn. Rammstein is really tone deaf. And the hard rock beat that's just the perfect backdrop for the voice and I just cannot stop laughing.

[lierdumoa.livejournal.com]

"He says he does not wish to accompany us into town. I have no doubt he is feeling self-conscious about his appearance."

"Maybe he oughta dye it. You know, his hair." Goku said.

I shook my head. "Gojyo would never die his hair. Neither would Hakuryuu, though I suppose he lacked the means or the justification for such an action."

"Well yeah, they woudn't. But they aren't they anymore. They're he."

"You think that perhaps the melding of personalities has engendered a change of heart?"

"I think his hair is pink. It's, like, really pink."

"Ah, I see your point Goku." I couldn't help but smile. "Perhaps this is an issue you ought to take up with him and not me. I don't think I can speak authoritatively on the subject."

Sanzo broke into our conversation just then. "He's not coming. The wings make him a spectacle. We'll most likely get run out of town if he's seen with us."

I felt my temper rising, but managed a stiff smile. "I had no idea appearances were so important to you, Sanzo-san."

He shot me a guilty look, that he quickly covered with annoyance. "Do you want people throwing rocks at him? We've been in towns like this before. You know how the people are."

I was forced to concede the point. "Perhaps then I shall bow out of this excursion as well. I'm sure Goj...ah, I'm sure our friend would appreciate some company in his forced exile."

"Do what you want," Sanzo said curtly, and headed towards the main road, Goku hot on his heels.

I've given up on writing this thing in order. Now I'm just coming up with random dialogue scenes. Eventually I'll start piecing things together. I've pretty much figured out what order the sex is in.

[permetaform]

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!! ::happy bounce and waves pompoms::

[lierdumoa.livejournal.com]

Outline! Have taken to calling him Omo cause short for Omologato as in Gran Turismo Omologato.

battle scene
wakes up, stilted convo w/ Omo interrupted by Goku
Drama
night -- sleep, fall asleep together, wake up entwined before everyone else, Hakkai says no to sex
walk till they find a road
find out what new car the hybrid is, Sanzo tries to drive and gets spit out
find a town and stop on the outskirts (insert convo here)
Hakkai apologises for the morning, Omo laughs -- flashback's to the last time he (gojyo) was this horny
You know -- I remember everything now -- recalls time in heaven, starts getting up close and personal w/ Hakkai
Sanzo returns from town bearing food, or rather, with Goku, who is bearing food because Sanzo doesn't carry shit
discuss breaking the curse over dinner
Hakkai goes off by himself, Omo follows of course
2nd convo insert here, sex: Omo on his back, wings splayed out on the ground, Hakkai fucking himself on him
Hakkai dreams about freaky androgenous god chick bad touching him and telling him way cryptically that the answer is within him and if he doesn't work fast his poor friend will go mad (must find way to work increasing madness into dialogue, etc.)
shakes off dream, (insert blowjob excerpt here), drive all day, come across a nice secluded temple
sanzo uses influence to get Omo in
all get separate rooms -- takes a while for Sanzo to convince Goku to go w/out sex for a night
Omo finds Hakkai lying awake in bed, blah, blah, fucking Omo on his hands and knees
Hakkai suddenly makes sense of dream; removes limiters of own accord
still buried in Omo's ass, shoves his claws through Omo's back and shove Hakuryuu out of the body
again with the screaming and the energy storm
Hakuryuu flies unsteadily out the window, wings gummy with blood
Hakkai carefully shoves Gojyo's intestines back into his body and uses all his healing power to mostly patch Gojyo up
blackness, again
wakes up the screaming and fainting of a local monk outside his door, finds Goku holding a clean Hakuryuu grumbling about why he always has to be the one to find Hakkai's lost jewelry
walks out again saying "I'll tell Sanzo you need new sheets" and he's nudging monk awake as door closes behind him
surveys the giant bloody mess on his sheets
and Gojyo, with a new set of wounds, that look like they're healing well, Gojyo wakes up and blinks and groans
"Do that again and I'll kill you" -- reaches up to wipe at dried tear tracks on Hakkai's face, hisses in pain at the movement
sappy shmoopy moment; falls asleep again
THE END

Hope that made sense to someone other than me.

[permetaform]

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

DOOODE, you're BETTER writing this!! ::bounces alllll over the room::

[lierdumoa.livejournal.com]

I droploaded you the first 44 seconds of my Crazy Love vid. I tried the posterize effect, and I can't decide if it works or looks fugly. Help?

[permetaform]

oooooooooooo, NICE! it reminds me of the solarized effect you see in some magazines. I think what you want to do is introduce the effect earlier, but associate it heavily with the music and with famous people and magazine covers and stuff. Don't introduce it with the boy.

XD you're just lucky I recently saw this movie over winter break! =D

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

Not bad, not bad a'tall. Few comments here, mostly to get you thinking as you fill in the blanks rather than to have ANSWERS OMIGOD NOW.

Sanzo returns from town bearing food, or rather, with Goku, who is bearing food because Sanzo doesn't carry shit
::snicker::

I assume that Gojyo will lose Omo's memories of heaven? If he doesn't, you'll have to address it, however briefly. Has Jeep remembered all along?

Hakkai dreams about freaky androgenous god chick bad touching him
::starts snickering again::

You're going to have to figure out how the limiter/not limiter thing works for the sake of this-- Hakkai seems to go back to himself pretty quickly when he takes the limiters off, but he always seems pretty concerned about what he does when they're off-- he loses a lot of control.

Is Jeep in OK condition-- he was put into Gojyo pretty well intact? Because I can see Hakkai worrying about the dragon. And the little runt's feelings, for that matter.

[lierdumoa.livejournal.com]

I assume that Gojyo will lose Omo's memories of heaven? If he doesn't, you'll have to address it, however briefly. Has Jeep remembered all along?

Heh. Actually I was going to have him remember even after. Thanks for reminding me -- I totally forgot about following up on that plot point. And yes, Jeep has remembered all along was what I was going for there, though my notes probably aren't so much in English now that I read back over them.



You're going to have to figure out how the limiter/not limiter thing works for the sake of this-- Hakkai seems to go back to himself pretty quickly when he takes the limiters off, but he always seems pretty concerned about what he does when they're off-- he loses a lot of control.

I know exactly how I'm dealing with this. I left most notes about Hakkai's internal struggle etc. out of the outline because I have his characterization well enough in mind to know his reactions to things, whereas I tend to forget plot points if I don't write them down.



Is Jeep in OK condition-- he was put into Gojyo pretty well intact? Because I can see Hakkai worrying about the dragon. And the little runt's feelings, for that matter.

Yep, Jeep's fine. A little scratched up, maybe. Hence his being able to fly off. I know how I'm going to deal with the Hakkai characterization there.