![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.
I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?
It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?
what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?
I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1
and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine
and in specific this paragraph:
But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.
Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.
It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.
I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.
But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.
And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.
::hugs flist::
[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...
[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.
I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?
It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?
what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?
I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1
and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine
and in specific this paragraph:
I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to....and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.
But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.
Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.
It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.
I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.
But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.
And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.
::hugs flist::
[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...
[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.
no subject
::nods:: you and me believe this, and I know this feeling is possible 'cause I felt it myself before but, eh, fans yanno?
I just don't understand tracking down fans of said character for the express purpose of mocking or brow-beating.
o.0 they tracked down fans?? I mean, I know I was ranted at on mimesere's journal for a comment they took completely out of context but they tracked fans down??
no subject
True, that. And again, so much of fannishness is gut reaction, not logic. Usually, I make a point of remembering that, but it's hard when you feel like your own preferences are being denigrated.
o.0 they tracked down fans?? I mean, I know I was ranted at on mimesere's journal for a comment they took completely out of context but they tracked fans down??
The very first PotC discussion I ran across on LJ was one in which a fan posted her views on Elizabeth choosing Will at the end and why she thought that was the best decision, even if it was a rather anachronistic one. There were fans who agreed with her, and fans who disagreed for various reasons, and it was all very civil. But then a Norrington fan joined the discussion and stated that she felt Elizabeth's decision was a bad one because it wasn't the decision she would have made, and that anyone who would choose Will over Norrington, or indeed prefer Will over Norrington, was both foolish and stupid, and likely emotionally stunted. I was just...floored. Not that I hadn't seen just that sort of behavior in a ton of fandoms prior to that exchange, but it always gets me when I do see it, because I just don't get the point of it. It's not like it's going to change anybody's mind, you know? And it's certainly not like it's going to win her or her preferred character any points. Nor is it going to stop those of us who do prefer another character from discussing, writing, vidding, drawing, photo-manipping, and generally existing in the fannish space. All it does is piss people off and earn this particular fan enemies for the next kerfuffle.
Again, though, I'm dragging that logic thing in where it probably just does not belong.
no subject