oddness and rambly on many things

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am in a wierd post-period state of wanting to *break* something. It's like some vague unease wherein every post I start and don't finish seems to be a rant on something or other and there's this sense of jitteryness and I haven't been drinking tea since this feeling's started (so it's not the caffeine) and I'm not ticked off at anyone insofar as I consciously know.

I'm wondering if it's because of the post-periodness. am wondering if it's because I've been reading too many wanks. am wondering about the state of being a fen and of being a squeal-y fangirl, about the use of the glomp and the hugs and the fannish flirtatiousness that may or may-not be uncomfortable to people and yet. and yet what is fandom sometimes but a group of people who've found a specific outlet to be mentally and emotionally touched?

It took me until senior year HS to realize that I was touch-starved, and whereas physically that was easy-ish to accomplish (with glomp friendly close friends) and yet sometimes in other ways it was hard to connect, because even as I've made peace with the fact that my mind worked in very strange ways and with the idea that I'm a bit of a freak (ie. not the same; ie. don't think the same; ie. don't communicate the same) and even as I can mostly tamp down the strangeness in mixed company, well...it makes communication difficult, yanno?

what is a ::glomp::? a ::hug::?

I think about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/community/100_roadtrips/51810.html#cutid1

and about this:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/fannishly/17777.html?mode=reply&style=mine

and in specific this paragraph:

I'm thinking again of Ed Norton's comment that the modern world has "dark cool irony disease." I don't discount anyone's genuine eye-rolling response to this movie, or to any particular movie or whatever, but in general I do agree that there's a common distaste for earnestness, a tendency to dismiss all sentiment as sentimentality, and an instinct to temper all gravity with humor or with its more mean-spirited incarnations. Humor is like a trump card -- you can always play it and trivialize what someone else finds precious or even sacred. Being able to laugh at something puts you in a superior position to someone else who can't. Cynicism is the most defensible position -- to care is to be vulnerable, not to care is to be impenetrable. To laugh at, however gently, is to consider yourself superior to.

...and I've HAD the "dark cool irony disease" and am every day trying to step away from it. I would rather squee and thus invite others to be silly with me than to forever be cynical, made a very very determined decision several years ago to STOP being...laid back? vague? to stop being *completely* agreeable and mellow and cynical and vaguely sniping. And instead to be willing to be a bit more rash, to state my opinions, and to let myself be ticked off.

But that leaves the underbelly exposed. And I'm not quite comfortable with that I suppose, or perhaps strong enough. and... it's so EASY to slide back into that mentality. so. so. fucking easy.

Norrington hurts me. The putting myself in his POV hurts me in that way that's like watching someone place the key to your cell in a place always unreachable to you. Like letting go of the guy that I loved (thought I loved? I still don't know) to someone that'll probably be better for him than I (and I the better for not letting him have a chance to tear me down) and yet watching them kiss and interact and being *happy* for them and knowing that I'm better off without him but godDAMMIT he was MINE.

It's tricky. And a complicated mess. And if you've ever been weirded-out by a coolish response to a norrington or sparrington comment made in my journal? that's why.

I still don't know completely my thoughts, this is unorganized, maybe I can get some perspective on this with some more objective viewpoints.

But, at the end of it? I will ::glomp:: and ::hug:: and try to be emotionally touchable and squee over stuff in shameless piles of happy because I've noticed, both online and off, that smiling first causes other people to be less afraid to smile.

And I guess that can be considered my fannish manifesto: share the love, so that it grows.

::hugs flist::

[edit] Which I guess, in a way, explains why I get pissed off at the permanent my-policy-is-to-not-feedback-lurkers, who then complain about their fandoms being small. Feedback = more inspiration, and I can only shake my head at the people who don't get this...

[edit2] upon thought, this could be considered an addendum to The Mom post I had a bit back.

Comments

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

I think I got touched too much as a kid (by complete strangers who seemed to think that the fact I was a cute baby was an excuse to put their hands on me), and that could be one reason I'm as standoffish now as I am, because I have control over who touches me these days (oh, yes, so relate to Sanzo in certain ways). That said, I do get emotionally attached and mentally engaged by a lot of people in fandom, and I like being able to express that attachment with textual representations of physical affection that are difficult for me.

For one thing, and this ties into your later point about cynicism versus genuineness (is that a word? Oh, well, I'm using it), I don't feel like these are required gestures in fandom, as they can be in real life. I don't like being hugged by people who are doing it just because it's expected. I loved being hugged by you because a) it was genuine and b) because our previous interaction had already established that such a gesture was welcome by both of us. I *hug* and *glomp* and *kiss* people online for situations that I would hug or glomp or kiss them offline, if I were a more physically affectionate person. *G* As it is, I usually end up saying to people offline, "If I were a huggy person, I'd hug you right now."

Yeah, I know. I'm so backward. Of course, I also have been known to make threats as signs of affection, so you can never overestimate my level of screwed-upedness. Which, you know, could really explain why I like the fandoms I like, and why I interact with them the way I do.

Moving on....

I think American society itself has suffered from large bouts of "dark cool irony disease." I worry sometimes about genuine expressions of emotion being another thing the right-wing is going to try to claim exclusively, and that those of us not right-wing might let that happen because we're too busy showing how "above it all" we are. It's one reason I continue to "celebrate the cheese" in my fannish love, and sing the praises of beautiful men, and watch certain scenes of certain movies specifically to feel what the scene was meant to make me feel and to just revel in it. Because earnestness, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. And caring is not a bad thing. It's just we tend to associate hurt with bad, and you can get hurt if you care.

Then again, whether you care or not, you're going to die anyway. So you might as well die knowing you lived in more ways than just breathing, yeah?

Which kinda coolly segues into my last point, which is in reference to Norrington and Sparrington and PotC in general. You know how I said I wasn't sure why I wasn't more into the fandom, despite absolutely adoring the movie? Well, I was answering a post Melusina made today and realized that wasn't strictly true. Part of the reason I've never fallen headlong into the fandom is because my favorite character is Will. And some of the first encounters with other PotC fans I had were with outspoken self-styled Norrington fans who bashed Will to hell and back and sneered at those of us who like him. Which really is not the way to win friends and influence people, unless the influence you meant to exert was building up their resistance to your preferred character.

In any case, being avoidy of the fandom since then has allowed me to develop a little independent appreciation for Norrington, though Sparrington still doesn't do it for me by simple virtue of the fact that it doesn't feature my preferred character. Thus, most of the appreciation is being built by the rare Will/Norrington I've run across (or Will/Jack/Norrington, which is just so damn pretty, as is Will/Jack/Elizabeth, but anyway), perhaps in part because my own (obviously frequently incorrect) perception of Norrington writers as anti-Will is neatly diverted when the other person in the pairing is Will. Not that Norrington/Will couldn't be anti-Will, but it's rare enough I haven't seen that yet. Or maybe I only perceive it as rare because I still haven't ventured that far into the fandom, because I don't want a repeat of those first experiences.

And in conclusion, ::hugs::

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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I need to eventually respond to the rest of it but FIRST!

::TACKLES YOU:: another Will fan!! EEEEEEEE!!!!

::waves Will Turner Defense League flag and makes happy noises::

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

A diehard Will fan. No apologies.

And oooh! ::adds to interests::

[xerne.livejournal.com]

I *hug* and *glomp* and *kiss* people online for situations that I would hug or glomp or kiss them offline, if I were a more physically affectionate person. *G* As it is, I usually end up saying to people offline, "If I were a huggy person, I'd hug you right now."

I think that's what I was trying to express, and you just nailed it. Thanks.

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of us might have that same reaction. *G*

[permetaform]

That said, I do get emotionally attached and mentally engaged by a lot of people in fandom, and I like being able to express that attachment with textual representations of physical affection that are difficult for me.

::nods:: that makes sense. I think I know what sensation you mean, because I'd hug a fan a LOT faster IRL than an ordinary person you meet, because I already know we at least have the fannish point of connection which means that at least, at LEAST, there's a certain openmindedness and a willingness to not be a passive consumer of the media one is in love with. Since those two aspects are some of the closest issues to my heart I kinda already feel that there is a sort of closeness I have with fans that I wouldn't have with a random person.

Or perhaps, rather, that with fans there's a 'base level' of closeness that's higher than for a random person I meet, there's more trust and affection there, through a mutual love. It's similar to the feeling I have when a meet a new sorority sister for the first time; I have no problem hugging her because even though we might be vastly different, there is always that shared thing that is close to our hearts.

And caring is not a bad thing. It's just we tend to associate hurt with bad, and you can get hurt if you care.

Exactly...part of the reason why I locked this ramble was the need to clear it up and perhaps segue into the issue of that thing where you are talking to someone and they just casually reach and slice open your heart with a comment and they didn't even know they did it, and perhaps how to forgive them that.

Then again, whether you care or not, you're going to die anyway. So you might as well die knowing you lived in more ways than just breathing, yeah?

::nods so much:: And is thus also part of the reason that Saiyuki grabbed me so hard I think.

I think part of the Will bashing is that they are set up as opposites in the movie that Jack and Norrington never was. In boosting the one, the other is damaged, which is what the movie itself did. But like, I LOVE Will and his earnest dorkiness and his idiot savantness and just...I WANT this openness to exist and hated that Will was bashed by the Norrington lovers, made several rants on it in the past actually. aheh..

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

::nods:: that makes sense. I think I know what sensation you mean, because I'd hug a fan a LOT faster IRL than an ordinary person you meet, because I already know we at least have the fannish point of connection which means that at least, at LEAST, there's a certain openmindedness and a willingness to not be a passive consumer of the media one is in love with. Since those two aspects are some of the closest issues to my heart I kinda already feel that there is a sort of closeness I have with fans that I wouldn't have with a random person.

Right, you've already interacted with this person to a certain degree and so know certain things about them. And yeah, I know people can lie online and claim they're interested in something they're not or do something they don't, but people can tell those same lies in person. And while there are crazies out there, you're still more likely to meet a fan who's more or less what you thought she was based on her online presence.

Or perhaps, rather, that with fans there's a 'base level' of closeness that's higher than for a random person I meet, there's more trust and affection there, through a mutual love. It's similar to the feeling I have when a meet a new sorority sister for the first time; I have no problem hugging her because even though we might be vastly different, there is always that shared thing that is close to our hearts.

Yes, it's that common point of reference that is important enough to (presumably) both of you, and you're bonding over that.

Exactly...part of the reason why I locked this ramble was the need to clear it up and perhaps segue into the issue of that thing where you are talking to someone and they just casually reach and slice open your heart with a comment and they didn't even know they did it, and perhaps how to forgive them that.

I think intent is important in such cases, though that's a definite risk when you care. But then, the very fact we're involved in fandom proves we do care, and we're willing to risk for our passions. In a way, the very existence of fandom continues to give me a little hope in humanity.

::nods so much:: And is thus also part of the reason that Saiyuki grabbed me so hard I think.

I know it's part of the appeal to me. They all cling so tenaciously to life, even as they're not sure they deserve it, because they're also not sure anyone is in a place to judge who does deserve it. That kind of pain and brave stubborness gets me where I live.

I think part of the Will bashing is that they are set up as opposites in the movie that Jack and Norrington never was. In boosting the one, the other is damaged, which is what the movie itself did. But like, I LOVE Will and his earnest dorkiness and his idiot savantness and just...I WANT this openness to exist and hated that Will was bashed by the Norrington lovers, made several rants on it in the past actually. aheh..

See, and I tend to reject the dichotomy the movie set up. I mean, yes, Norrington lost Elizabeth and lost hold of Jack, in part due to Will, but Elizabeth is not the only woman in the Caribbean and Will won't exactly be able to stop Norrington when he tracks Jack down on the high seas. And I guess I just see Norrington as a bigger man than to dwell on either thing, though of course he won't just bounce back from losing Elizabeth, and I think he genuinely does believe Will capable of taking care of Elizabeth. So it throws me a bit when fans who like him better than I do don't see it the same way.

At the same time, I definitely understand not liking a main character. I just don't understand tracking down fans of said character for the express purpose of mocking or brow-beating.

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And I guess I just see Norrington as a bigger man than to dwell on either thing, though of course he won't just bounce back from losing Elizabeth, and I think he genuinely does believe Will capable of taking care of Elizabeth.

::nods:: you and me believe this, and I know this feeling is possible 'cause I felt it myself before but, eh, fans yanno?

I just don't understand tracking down fans of said character for the express purpose of mocking or brow-beating.

o.0 they tracked down fans?? I mean, I know I was ranted at on mimesere's journal for a comment they took completely out of context but they tracked fans down??

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

::nods:: you and me believe this, and I know this feeling is possible 'cause I felt it myself before but, eh, fans yanno?

True, that. And again, so much of fannishness is gut reaction, not logic. Usually, I make a point of remembering that, but it's hard when you feel like your own preferences are being denigrated.

o.0 they tracked down fans?? I mean, I know I was ranted at on mimesere's journal for a comment they took completely out of context but they tracked fans down??

The very first PotC discussion I ran across on LJ was one in which a fan posted her views on Elizabeth choosing Will at the end and why she thought that was the best decision, even if it was a rather anachronistic one. There were fans who agreed with her, and fans who disagreed for various reasons, and it was all very civil. But then a Norrington fan joined the discussion and stated that she felt Elizabeth's decision was a bad one because it wasn't the decision she would have made, and that anyone who would choose Will over Norrington, or indeed prefer Will over Norrington, was both foolish and stupid, and likely emotionally stunted. I was just...floored. Not that I hadn't seen just that sort of behavior in a ton of fandoms prior to that exchange, but it always gets me when I do see it, because I just don't get the point of it. It's not like it's going to change anybody's mind, you know? And it's certainly not like it's going to win her or her preferred character any points. Nor is it going to stop those of us who do prefer another character from discussing, writing, vidding, drawing, photo-manipping, and generally existing in the fannish space. All it does is piss people off and earn this particular fan enemies for the next kerfuffle.

Again, though, I'm dragging that logic thing in where it probably just does not belong.

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wow... ::boggles::